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From the desk of the Editor of BBC Books:
Dear (Name deleted to protect the guilty),
I would like to thank you for submitting your story ideas to BBC Worldwide, specifically for our range of Doctor Who books, which have fans the world over.
Unfortunately, we cannot accept the following manuscript idea. I am saddened to say.
Now, normally the above paragraph would be followed with a simple line (Thank you for your consideration, but you work doesn't fulfill our needs, etc.) and a closing. However, I think I would be remiss if I didn't offer you a few suggestions:
- It is not considered a good idea to suck up to the television department of the BBC by having characters from the current prime time line up make appearances in the tale. First, there are copyright issues, and secondly, I really don't think the character of the Doctor works with Coronation Street, or the Nine O'Clock News.
- Although humour is certainly not frowned upon on Doctor Who -- Season 17 & 24 are good examples -- jokes centring around "atomic wedgies", forced intercourse with farm animals, and the deflowering of foodstuffs (pies and doughnuts) are not considered in good taste for a family story line like Doctor Who.
- Just because Kate Orman and Lawrence Miles have gotten away with it for far too long, gratuitous torture scene of the Doctor and / or companions for the sadistic pleasure of it are not being accepted. Even if your concept of Bull Elephant Sodomy is original.
- Fans don't really wish to see the return of the Bannermen, the Sensorites, or Axos.
- Just because the writers of Blake's 7 showed little imagination in the ending of their programme's run doesn't mean you have to steal their horrid idea, and then try to up the ante.
- Introducing the Doctor's evil twin sister as the mother of The Master and The Rani is the first sign of a bad soap opera addiction.
- Writing yourself in as a future incarnation of the Doctor is incredibly fanwanky, even for Gary Russell.
- Having a character named Lance Parkin get slaughtered by an army of Daleks is not polite, even if you didn't like The Infinity Doctors
- Peri is not a porn star on Thoros Alpha, period.
- Jo and Ace are not shacking up in a flat in the East End.
- Who in hell is XnthDoctor, and why is he singing Celine Dion songs during the rape scenes?
- As much as I am a Black Sabbath Fan, the chapter describing the wild night of partying with Ozzy and the boys doesn't fit in with the rest of the novel. Besides, even the Doctor couldn't do that much blow and still function on a cognisant level.
- The Blamelewis character....what can I say about a character that manages to die five times in a span of ten pages...
- The inclusion of Daleks and Cybermen: I know that it's every fanboys wish that these two popular enemies get together and have one big battle to see who is the superior race. However, why did you decide to have them attack each other in Budapest? Why do the Cybermen scream like little girls in battle when they're supposed to be emotionless? What's with the Pink Daleks? Why does Godzilla save the Cybermen? And why did you include Godzilla in the first place? Wouldn't Megalon be a better choice?
- By the way, Gallifrey is not the biggest red light district in the Universe, the Master does not have a foot fetish, The Rani is not a dominatrix, and Romana doesn't use personal pleasure devices on her harem of men as a form of discipline.
- Finally, in a two hundred page novel, you manage to have 300 chapters, 250 breaks in continuity, every third misspelled, three pages written in crayon, several written in what looks like dried bodily fluids, and the total rape and pillage of the rules of English grammar.
Please (********), I think you might want to consider a serious rewrite, a few English classes, and several months in therapy before committing another one of your efforts to the BBC.
Thank you for your consideration.
Editor, BBC Books
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